My Loneliness

My omnipresent all-consuming loneliness. I take it with me everywhere I go, lingering at the counter of the coffee shop, in pleading looks to strangers at bars, at home, on the couch. I’m not bored, and I am not as homesick as I was prepared to be, but I am so lonely for female company.

I have very depressive episodes where I wonder if I’ll ever have enough friends to host a dinner party, or if I’ll ever be invited to a birthday party or a wedding. This is a taster of what it is like to be a single man I think. I meet girls in bars, they tell me that I’m nice/funny/interesting and advise me on other cool bars, I might have the guts to ask for their phone number or Facebook account but then the next day they don’t respond to me. I feel rejected, and I am so desperate for their friendship. 

This past Sunday marked our 3 weeks being here. We still don’t have a bed (who cares!) and I still haven’t made my first girlfriend.

When we were cleaning out the car in Oregon, I came across an Ed Ruscha art postcard. It’s a painting that is grey with a large orange circle and the words “I was grasping for contact” written in plain, large white letters. I remember knowing that there was no more room in the car, so I put it on my passenger visor and like good writing it was foreshadowing for my current state. I wondered, 4 weeks ago, if it was going to grow to mean something deeper to me than just my inability to chuck it.

I think the best course of action is to make a T-Shirt that says “LONELY” on the front and “IN NEED OF FRIENDS” on the back. I’m sure that won’t drudge up any weirdos. Good plan.